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* growing old(er)

Some signs one is no longer young:

  • your pharmacist knows you by name
  • a moderate workout is just thinking about doing a moderate workout
  • the ground grows further away and is much further down
  • hair of any color is a luxury
  • hearing? not so much
  • your lawn has increased in size by at least 50%
  • it’s dizzying enough to just watch your granddaughters run around the front of you without trying to spin in time with them
  • one nap is mandatory. two is a delight
  • more and more life is done by watching others live through times you’ve already had.

* what do Tiggers do best? (part II)

Since part I of this post much has happened. NAMI is no more. This became inevitable and my therapist felt this was for the best anyway given how they were not making use of my skills. Job searching has been very disappointing–I’ve only had 3 initial interviews, all by phone, all the same week. On the other hand, I finally found work (though unpaid) with the Center for Victims of Torture (finally!).

So as to bouncing career-wise, not so much at this point.

And that silly grin displayed by Tigger? Not so much–though I need to spend more time focusing on all there is in the rest of my life to celebrate. And grin at least every so often! 😎

* way over there

I’m an MK. As in “missionary kid,” someone who grew up “way over there” as in other than my parents’ home country. This is also known as a Third Culture Kid as someone who grew up in a culture in between my parents and the world I was raised in. In my case this was Madagascar. As in somewhere very far indeed from Minnesota. Another world on the other side of this world.

I grew up in a little town on a peninsula sticking out into the Indian Ocean with ocean within a mile of me on 3 sides. (Here in Minnesota we do have Lake Superior but it’s several hours away and not so much the same thing.)

One of the challenges of my time “way over there” is it’s easy at times like this for my thoughts to float back there. Memories of times past, wonderings of times present. This is especially true at times like this when I’m so much in between jobs as I am again now. It’s easy to go back to previous days, especially when some aspects of the present just isn’t much fun. Back there I never lacked for things to do. This just wasn’t a problem. Here, on the other hand, while there is much to do, I am unable to find a paid way to do this. If retirement was an option then I could just volunteer. But in my case at this point in time, not so much.

So one of my challenges these days is to not slip too far back into “way over there” memories and “If only…” wishes. For they are but memories, some of them quite old now. And “If only…” wishes are just those and no more. As in “If only…” is not to be. I am thankful it was, though.

* blogging

As I sit and reflect on life at this point one of the things that is working is this blogging that I continue to do. I can do it in small pieces, letting go of whether what I write is good enough as I can always go back and edit or even remove what I’ve posted. It allows me to venture out with thoughts without having figured out exactly where I’m going with them. It comes quite easily and I get positive feedback from it.

At a deeper level it allows me to surface things I’m thinking or at least partially have thought. To reflect in writing on some of what roams around in my head, as in reflections on this life of mine. Hopefully in so doing to get some of them nailed down better as in “been there, thought through at least some of that.” Or at least written down as far as I’ve thought through some things. With the opportunity to add if I so choose.

Are there any hints here in terms of what should come next? Ways the above can suggest for me next steps?

* so what’s next?

As I sit here looking online for jobs to apply to I realize much would have appeared to pass me by, at least–as far as I can tell–in terms of organizations’ views of what I have to offer them.

“So what’s next?” is indeed the question I am faced with at this point in time.

  • My time as an engineer ended when we moved to Madagascar and I was placed into another type of work–community development.
  • My time in Madagascar, doing what I’ve loved the most in my career, ended back in 1995 except for a few “teaser” consulting trips since then with none for awhile nor in the forseeable future. I had spent 20 years in higher ed earning a bachelors and masters in engineering and then a PhD in Adult Education preparing and then upgrading for that work. I had finally gotten to the level of expertise I had wanted to have for that oh so complex and important work and suddenly we had to come back to the US.
  • My time as a program evaluator at this point seems to have ended when I left Search Institute in part as that’s now 20 years ago (2000). This though due to my time in higher education my evaluation abilities have grown a great deal since then.
  • My time in full-time higher education ended in 2010 after 6 years at Bethel followed by 4 years at Concordia universities. Full-time teaching at Augsburg I’d hoped for after Concordia didn’t and won’t open up without some major changes I doubt will happen.
  • My time in adjunct teaching has been in a slow decline from a lot of adjunct teaching at several schools to now only a small remnant left behind at just one school.
  • My time back in community engagement, in some ways an extension of some of what I did in Madagascar, done for NAMI Minnesota, ended abruptly last year. Of all the different types of work I’ve looked for since then, this is probably what I’d most prefer doing if possible.
  • So now I volunteer with the Center for Victims of Torture hoping it might somehow lead to more as it has the combination of positive, quality outreach and international work I’ve looked for since coming back to the US in 1995. Though with budget cuts I’m increasingly skeptical anything will open up. Time will tell.

Up until 1995 I’d hoped I’d have another 4 to 6 years in Madagascar. Then up to 2005 I hoped I was going to become a tenured professor. Neither happened.

My journey has been impacted in a major way by the bipolar I live with. A part of living with bipolar is that there are times when the illness decreases your executive function and you do and say things you shouldn’t. In working on all this with my therapist we revisited my unsuccessful time at Bethel where I was tenure-track. We did this through the lens of the late onset bipolar I was most likely beginning to live with during that time. This was before I started seeing my therapist, before I was on medication for the depressive modes I was having and about 5 years before bipolar was finally diagnosed with certainty and mood stabilizers became part of who I now am–a person with far fewer mood swings.

So that’s my career. I am eclectic so that’s part of why it looks this way. I am also a “field person,” preferring working on the outside of offices with those the office serves to being “back at the office.” And bipolar has most certainly affected me as well.

So given the above, where do I look for what comes next? “Where?” and “what?” are both mysteries to me at this point in time. As a generalist I can apply and have applied for many jobs but evidently don’t rise to the upper levels any lists of potential candidates for the jobs I’ve been applying for.

So what’s next? Can someone tell me? Please.

* olderness

Just spent a couple days proving I’m now officially living with olderness. As in somehow the ground has gotten further away, things that were close are now further away, tasks that were easy are now not so much, and legs that used to move without thought? Not really. When did this happen?!

I’m going to call it living with olderness. At 61 I’m not actually all that old in this world of folks working well into their 70s. And with 3 little grand daughters I don’t want to be that old at least while with them. But doing some yard work these past several days has clearly indicated there are changes which have happened. I’ll hang onto the hope that I am getting wiser as I clearly am not getting any younger!

So I think part of living with olderness is that exercise has become increasingly a necessity as that’s part of the challenge–my tendency has been to slow down as olderness has progressed when I need to actually move a bit more (we’ll leaving speeding up alone for now anyway).

So it’s not so much “olderness, here I come” as “olderness, here I am!”

* lazy? or lost?

Lazy? Or lost? Several have posted about how to respond to those who call us bp-ers lazy. While I won’t deny my own talents in that area I think a bigger issue for me is feeling a bit lost. As in I don’t really know what to think and do with this at times very uncooperative brain of mine that can get lost in at least the shallower pits of depression so readily. Or then at times it takes off into the unrealistic, a bit too unleashed if you will, with the possibility for quite costly interpretations of and responses to the present. To the point that there are days when I wake up and ask myself, “OK, who am I today?” Because with bp2, by the very definition of my disease, it’s such a range from down to deeply depressed to up to highly hypomanic. Hopefully I’m living in a more normal “middle” somewhere but even that’s due to enough meds that it’s hard for me to know where I end and the meds begin? They’re clearly helping me with my bp but what other impacts do they have on me? Or maybe better what was just plain old me and what’s me plus my meds (unfortunately, “plain” old me isn’t very plain anymore)? So if I seem a bit hesitant with aspects of this life of mine, give me some space, please, as it’s confusing.